Originally Posted: Jun 5, 2020
It is a wide and wonderful world out there, a sexual buffet really, and all you have to do is decide what it is you want to put on your plate. If anything, we are spoiled with potential choices. But that is where it can get tricky...with so many options out there, how do you know what to put on your plate?
A common question that people have when they are first starting out on their kinky journey is "How do I know if I am kinky if I haven't done anything yet?" and let me assure you, if you are even asking the question, you are kinky.
Non-kinky people don't really question their desires. They don't find their minds drifting to darker or more extreme fantasies or thoughts of power exchange. There is no particular journey of self- discovery that they need to go on, other than getting comfortable with their sexuality.
If it helps any, having kinky proclivities isn't all that usual. Almost half of Americans identify as some degree of kinky and it is much more common than you first might think. It is a sliding scale, and the only real question is where exactly you fall on that scale. But part of the fun lies in finding out!
Knowing that you are not all alone in edgier or more extreme fantasies can be comforting knowledge in and of itself, but if you are inexperienced or new, the question of "what do I know what I like if I haven't done anything yet?!" can still feel overwhelming. Luckily, finding out what you like is easier than you might think.
The first and most important step is to sit down and get to know yourself better. You are stuck with yourself for the rest of your life, you might as well take the time to find out how you are wired. Even if you aren't kinky, this is still a helpful practice to do in general. The better you know yourself and your wiring, the easier your life will be in the long run.
Much like you can be a virgin and still know that you are very curious about exploring sex, you can be a complete novice and still be aware, to some degree, that there are activities and actions out there that you find intriguing, while there are other activities that you have zero desire to try.
When you look at photos or videos or drawings, when your unchecked mind is wandering and daydreaming, what gets your attention? What causes you to tingle and get light headed? Set aside any worries of judgement or "that is wrong" and just notice what gets your attention. The things that do are the things that you should look into exploring, as long as it is consensual.
Be aware of the possibility that just because you figure out that you want to explore something does not mean that it is guaranteed to happen to you. Some of the things that we might wish to explore are harder to do successfully in real life. Weekend long bondage sessions? Being kept as a live in pet? A multi person strap on gangbang with you as the party favor? None of those things are impossible to achieve, they just take more work. The more people and logistics you add into the equation, the harder it can be to have it happen successfully. It is hard enough to schedule to meet up with a friend for dinner much less get 5 people all together in a room to work you over!
Don't put pressure on yourself or think there is only one sanctioned way that things can unfold. There is no right or wrong way to explore kink, there is only what works best for you and your partners personally. Kink is a case-by-case basis and you should never compare your own journey to anyone else. Everyone is different and that is part of what makes the whole thing so much fun.
Bear in mind that as you continue your kinky journey, things that you thought you would never be interested in exploring could eventually become much more intriguing and things that you have done and really enjoyed you can gradually lose interest in. This evolution is completely normal and happens to most of us as we grow and evolve as kinksters.
In the end, it is about finding out what works best for you and your needs. It is much better to try something once and not like it then to look back on a life filled with regrets over actions not taken. We only have one life to life and it should not be empty of the things that you really wanted to do.
Set aside your fear, guilt and shame over your sexuality. Yes, that is easier said than done, but it is possible. Stop worrying what others are thinking about you. The honest truth is most people are too busy trying to live their own lives to really have the time to pass judgment on how you are living your life, and why would you want to spend your time with people that judge you in the first place?
That buffet is out there eagerly waiting for you to sample it. Grab a plate and dig in! There is no time like the present and we don't get do overs. You just might find yourself really liking the flavors that end up in your mouth. You will never know until you try.
Rain DeGrey
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