What inspired you to start Dom Sub Living?
I was inspired to start Dom Sub Living because there just wasn’t a lot of education out there for the everyday Dom or sub who wanted to live a BDSM lifestyle. There was plenty of glamorized information, but nothing for people who have kids, jobs, health issues, or just regular lives. That’s part of the reason we call it ‘Dom Sub Living’. It’s about the everyday aspects of being a Dom or a sub that you don’t see in movies or read in books.
What do you feel is the sexiest aspect of dominance?
I think it’s the power, but not the power of what they do. The sexiness is in the power of what they choose not to do. A submissive knows they’re pretty much at the mercy of a Dominant, and a Dominant could do anything they want within the agreed upon boundaries of the dynamic. But a Dominant shows their true power in what they hold back. That potential energy is just so sexy to me.
What are the top 3 things you wish submissives knew about power exchange?
1. Power exchange is messy. You’re dealing with real people with real backgrounds and real issues. It won’t always look like what you imagined.
2. Power exchange is constantly changing and evolving. The dynamic I had 10 years ago is not the dynamic I have now. The type of submissive I was then isn’t the type of submissive I am today.
3. Submissives are more powerful than they realize. They’re stronger than they think. People often imagine the submissive as the passive partner, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth.
Tell us about one of the most extreme kink scenes you’ve ever had and what made it so intense.
My Dom and I went away for a weekend and stayed in a hotel. It was a full TPE weekend, really extreme. I was naked the entire time, had to ask permission to go to the bathroom, and spent most of the time on a leash. It was incredibly immersive and nonstop.
The scenes we played with were very CNC (consensual non-consent). There was a lot of sensory deprivation (blindfolds, gags, even AirPods). While a vanilla couple would have had a romantic getaway, I spent the weekend in what probably looked like a house of horrors.
The scenes pushed my limits in the best ways, and I really enjoyed it. But because it was so immersive for so long, I had the biggest drop I’ve ever experienced afterward: flu-like symptoms, depression, the works. That’s when I learned that the longer or more intense a scene is for me, the more ongoing aftercare I need. Now I build in rest the next day instead of jumping back into my normal vanilla routine.
What does your aftercare typically include?
Usually my Dom takes care of my physical needs first: undoing restraints, massaging the areas that were bound, covering me up because my temperature drops drastically after a scene. Then he gauges where my headspace is. Sometimes I’m dazed, sometimes upset, sometimes I haven’t fully come back yet. He gives me quiet space while staying within arm’s reach.
As I settle, he’ll start rubbing my head, talking to me soothingly, and asking how I’m doing and how the scene felt for me. Once I’m more grounded, we’ll shower together and decompress, talking through everything. Aftercare continues the next day with check-ins, journaling, meditation, and reflecting on what I liked, what I’d change, what I learned, and how I can improve as a submissive.
What has been one of the most important lessons you’ve taught clients?
It sounds cliché, but I always stress that people need to focus on themselves first–on their needs, wants, and becoming the best version of themselves.
We often obsess over our partner or over finding a partner, but it’s powerful to understand how we benefit from being a sub without a Dom, or how dominance fulfills us without a submissive. Our reason for living this lifestyle should be intrinsic, not extrinsic. That’s what makes it sustainable.
How has your dynamic influenced how you show up in the lifestyle and as a professional?
Because I’m the submissive in my dynamic, I’m always mindful of reflecting positively on my Dom. When people see me, I want them to see his influence in how I carry myself. So when I show up in the lifestyle and professionally, I try to be my best (kind, compassionate, and intentional) because those are qualities my Dom has helped me to grow into.
Do you have anything really exciting in the works or something you’re proud of?
I’m most proud of the ‘Dom/Sub Dynamics Summit’ that I host every year. We bring together 20 different educators in the kink space and create a free event for the public. It’s become a real pillar of Dom/sub education and community, and seeing the transformations it sparks is incredible.
Something exciting I have in the works is writing my first book for BDSM relationships!
What do you feel is essential knowledge for kink educators to have before they teach others?
Kink educators should know not just the basics but also the deeper issues that can come up: people’s backgrounds, traumas, mindset blocks. Honestly, mindset is 80% of kink, and skills are maybe 20%. Educators also need to be inclusive and aware of the wide range of dynamics out there, and have a solid understanding of diversity, equity, and inclusion in the kink community.
Where can people find more about you and what you offer?
Our website is the best place to learn more, everything is there: domsubliving.com. We also have the Dom Sub Living podcast, a YouTube channel, and lots of different courses starting as low as $9, so everyone is welcome to explore.
My bio:
Alesandra Madison is the founder of Dom Sub Living, a leading education platform dedicated to helping everyday Dominants and submissives build healthy, fulfilling BDSM relationships. What began as a simple blog has grown into a major resource hub with a top-rated podcast, a thriving YouTube channel, and courses taken by tens of thousands of kinksters around the world.
Alesandra is known for making BDSM feel accessible, practical, and deeply human. Rather than the glamorized fantasy often shown in media, she focuses on the real-life dynamics of power exchange – how D/s works when you have a career, kids, health challenges, or a busy, modern life. Her teaching blends psychology, communication, relationship skills, and kink education into a grounded, compassionate approach that resonates with both beginners and experienced practitioners.
Her work emphasizes inclusivity, emotional safety, personal growth, and building power exchange from the inside out. As a lifelong submissive, Alesandra brings personal experience, professional insight, and a distinctive voice that has made her one of the most trusted educators in the BDSM space. She continues to create education that helps people deepen intimacy, strengthen communication, and live their D/s lifestyle with confidence and joy.
Links:
Website: https://domsubliving.com/
Free BDSM Resource Library: https://dom-sub-living.kit.com/957eea88dc or https://domsubliving.com/free (they both redirect to the same thing)
Youtube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/@DomSubLiving